I laughed pretty hard at the 50 Shades of Grey trailer today. If you haven’t been following me for very long, you don’t know that I did read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was terrible. It’s terrible for all of the damaging, abusive, anti-feminist reasons, of course, but in the moment of reading it, I found it mostly terrible because the dialogue is unrealistic, the sex is boring, and once again THE DIALOGUE IS UNREALISTIC. The book is like 200 pages too long. What a piece of fucking garbage. It gave me such peace of mind to watch the trailer and think: “Yup! No one knows what people actually sound like! What a disaster!”
Last week, on a particularly slow morning at work, a very beautiful couple came in. It was otherwise empty in the shop. “Do you guys want to try anything?” I asked them.
"Everything," the man said, laughing.
This is a thing we’re allowed to have people do, but most people who say it are just trying to be sassy. “If you want to try everything,” I told him, “you can, but you have to commit to it and you have to be nice to me.”
They agreed, and we went through every single flavor in the shop. It took about twenty minutes to help them, which, in fast food desserts, is a little obscene. But the shop was empty! And they were very beautiful and funny and kind. They listened to everything I said about the flavors and asked me about myself.
"We’re on our honeymoon," the woman told me. "We’re from Canada. We haven’t been to Chicago before. We literally just got in this morning and wanted to come here."
I asked them about their trip and what Chicago things they were going to do. This is usually the point in any conversation where I tell strangers that I’m a comedian and they should set aside all their plans and come see me.
"Only food stuff," the man told me. "We both work in the food industry." They listed off a whole bunch of very good Chicago restaurants and told me they had no other real plans other than seeing some friends who now lived there. Food stuff! Food stuff honeymoon. Good god, what a life. What beautiful Canadians.
Tonight at work was long and gross and sweaty and I still have milk chocolate ice cream on my arm. Isn’t that gross? I’ve been home for forty minutes and just let it sit there. The shop was almost completely empty about an hour before close and I thought to myself, oh, this will be nice, it’ll just be dead for the rest of the night. HOW WRONG I WAS. It was quiet for about two minutes and then there was a line to the door for the rest of the night.
Fifteen minutes before close, the beautiful Canadian couple came back. I screamed because I have no boundaries.
"We missed our flight!" the woman told me. "We freaked out and didn’t know what to do or where to go so we came here."
They both wore cool hats and ate ice cream and showed me the third cool hat they bought and let me try it on.
"You look good in that hat!" they said.
"I have never looked good in a hat."
"You look very cool."
"Please adopt me," I told them and they laughed and then I laughed but I wasn’t joking, I hope they adopt me.
Anyway, they’re a beautiful couple and they look really nice in hats and speak to each other the way real people speak to each other. I will get violently drunk for the 50 Shades of Grey movie and see it in theaters. I mean, I know I am sober for now, but I will break whatever anti-drinking thing I’m on in six months or whatever and commit to the four day hangover I’ll get in order to be thank drunk for 50 Shades of Grey. I did it for Twilight. It’s just how I do things.
But it is also good to know that there are real beautiful couples in beautiful clothing who are kind and weird and interesting and maybe love is real. I’ve been a little emotionally reckless lately. Which is dumb. I’m not an emotionally reckless type. I bottle up all of my feelings and then act spiteful and also take advantage of other people’s kindnesses. But lately I send late night text messages to people I shouldn’t speak to and put myself out there in a negative way. These Canadians though. They were the types of people that make you feel good. We all oughta be better. Talk to each other like real people.