In “why do some things even exist?” news…
…the phrase, “I am a luxury children’s clothier.”
“Right now I’m writing my first book, a book of true stories, and it’s really really fucking hard. It’s hard choosing stories where the only person I humiliate is me. It’s hard pulling moments out of my actual life and crafting them into something that can entertain and edify a reader, without fudging the facts or manufacturing easy villains. It’s not impossible, but it’s hard. It would be much easier to make up a bunch of scenes where I’m some witty folk hero who triumphs against banal evil by telling all kinds of cartoon bad guys to put my dick in their mouth. I don’t wanna.”
Five notable migraine experiences
- February 2013: The one where I had on-and-off migraines for 3 days straight for seemingly no reason, except for the first day, which was mostly in response to binge-drinking for the first time in ages/last time since recent memory. Nothing good ever seems to happen to me physically when I drink, especially since studying abroad. It’s very weird, at the age of 22, to be like, “Ugh, ALCOHOL, am I right?” but also I’m 90% positive I’m going to stop drinking in 2014 just to do what I can to take better care of myself.
- May 2011: The one where I had a 16 hour migraine and I tried to take a shower to try to manage my pain/zone out/whatever. We lost water on the second floor of our house mid-shower, and I made Grace go get buckets of water from our downstairs kitchen sink so I could get the shampoo out of my hair. The water was freezing and I yelled at Grace and she was like, “You know I don’t have to do this, right?” Ten points for Grace. My other housemates invited me out for burritos that night, and when I refused, they said, “That’s how we knew you were actually sick: when you refused a burrito.”
- March 2012: The one where I went to Portobello Market in London to buy gifts for people, and I could feel the migraine coming on, so I was like, “Well, I probably ought to eat a snack or something because maybe I’m just hungry and dehydrated.” I decided to go for some seafood paella, which is normally very delicious but a HUGE MISTAKE in this instance because they were using whole shrimp in it. I had to decapitate said shrimp with my bare hands and I felt its eyeballs squish and I was sitting on the curb trying to eat this paella and apologize to that shrimp and not throw up all at one time. This was maybe the weirdest migraine I’ve had.
- November 2013 (today): The one where I woke up with a migraine and threw up three times and slept in other people’s houses in Kalamazoo because I knew I needed to drive back to Chicago but I also really needed to sleep. Have you ever driven two and a half hours, into the sunlight, with a migraine? This is maybe as close as I will ever feel to Sandra Bullock’s character in Gravity where it’s just like, “Yeah, you gotta do this or else you’re going to die.” (I wouldn’t have died. I just would have spent another day in Michigan, which, you know.) Shout out to cranberry juice and CHVRCHES for getting me through this very terrible drive. Double shout out to Salty Caramel ice cream which is the first thing I’ve eaten today that I haven’t thrown up.
- April 2011: This took place on Easter Sunday, and the night before, a guy I had spent an unnecessary amount of time pining over was a huge asshole to me at a party. I lay in bed for most of the day, moping and feeling sorry for myself, before one of my housemates dragged me downstairs and made me sit up and eat pasta and hydrate until I felt better. “I think I’m going to cut a lot of my hair off,” I told him. “It seems like a good time to do that.”