Movies I watched: Life Itself (2014)

This movie is excellent and I think I forgot to update about movies for a while because I thought this was so good that I felt like I had nothing smart to say about it. I still don’t really have anything smart to say about it, but now I’ve got a backlog of movies to talk about so I figured I might as well write something.

I have a lot of respect and love for Roger Ebert because I like movies and I am from Chicago. There’s a lot of hometown love and respect for him, and it was interesting to see bars I knew and people I’ve been aware of my whole life speak about him. I watched a little bit of At The Movies as a kid, though I am too young to remember Gene Siskel (only Richard Roeper, who is fairly absent from this project). Chicago is a cultural mecca for so many reasons—I mean, of course, New York and Los Angeles too, but there is so much here, so so much—and a huge amount of credit is due to Ebert.

It is a really outstanding document. Funny and interesting and very heartbreaking. I went to go see my grandpa today. He’s very sick. It’s very difficult—both in this film, and in real life—to watch a person who has lived so richly struggle to continue to do so. You want to be like, “you basically did everything you could ever do, calm down, there’s nothing left on your list,” but it’s still tough to watch the struggle. My grandpa went to go to see the new Planet of the Apes movie the other week before he got too sick. He said it was okay.

“Male writers — and I say this with all love and respect — often want to make a woman either the angel or the whore, make her the witch, or put her on the pedestal. When people ask me about Margaery [on ‘Game of Thrones’], I say they’re not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to be practical and politically savvy and not be a good person. You can be a good human being and just be shrewd.”
— Natalie Dormer giving me life at SDCC’s “Women Who Kick Ass” panel (via HitFix)

sex & love & Canada

I laughed pretty hard at the 50 Shades of Grey trailer today. If you haven’t been following me for very long, you don’t know that I did read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was terrible. It’s terrible for all of the damaging, abusive, anti-feminist reasons, of course, but in the moment of reading it, I found it mostly terrible because the dialogue is unrealistic, the sex is boring, and once again THE DIALOGUE IS UNREALISTIC. The book is like 200 pages too long. What a piece of fucking garbage. It gave me such peace of mind to watch the trailer and think: “Yup! No one knows what people actually sound like! What a disaster!”

Last week, on a particularly slow morning at work, a very beautiful couple came in. It was otherwise empty in the shop. “Do you guys want to try anything?” I asked them.

"Everything," the man said, laughing.

This is a thing we’re allowed to have people do, but most people who say it are just trying to be sassy. “If you want to try everything,” I told him, “you can, but you have to commit to it and you have to be nice to me.”

They agreed, and we went through every single flavor in the shop. It took about twenty minutes to help them, which, in fast food desserts, is a little obscene. But the shop was empty! And they were very beautiful and funny and kind. They listened to everything I said about the flavors and asked me about myself. 

"We’re on our honeymoon," the woman told me. "We’re from Canada. We haven’t been to Chicago before. We literally just got in this morning and wanted to come here."

I asked them about their trip and what Chicago things they were going to do. This is usually the point in any conversation where I tell strangers that I’m a comedian and they should set aside all their plans and come see me.

"Only food stuff," the man told me. "We both work in the food industry." They listed off a whole bunch of very good Chicago restaurants and told me they had no other real plans other than seeing some friends who now lived there. Food stuff! Food stuff honeymoon. Good god, what a life. What beautiful Canadians.

Tonight at work was long and gross and sweaty and I still have milk chocolate ice cream on my arm. Isn’t that gross? I’ve been home for forty minutes and just let it sit there. The shop was almost completely empty about an hour before close and I thought to myself, oh, this will be nice, it’ll just be dead for the rest of the night. HOW WRONG I WAS. It was quiet for about two minutes and then there was a line to the door for the rest of the night. 

Fifteen minutes before close, the beautiful Canadian couple came back. I screamed because I have no boundaries.

"We missed our flight!" the woman told me. "We freaked out and didn’t know what to do or where to go so we came here."

They both wore cool hats and ate ice cream and showed me the third cool hat they bought and let me try it on.

"You look good in that hat!" they said.

"I have never looked good in a hat."

"You look very cool."

"Please adopt me," I told them and they laughed and then I laughed but I wasn’t joking, I hope they adopt me.

Anyway, they’re a beautiful couple and they look really nice in hats and speak to each other the way real people speak to each other. I will get violently drunk for the 50 Shades of Grey movie and see it in theaters. I mean, I know I am sober for now, but I will break whatever anti-drinking thing I’m on in six months or whatever and commit to the four day hangover I’ll get in order to be thank drunk for 50 Shades of Grey. I did it for Twilight. It’s just how I do things.

But it is also good to know that there are real beautiful couples in beautiful clothing who are kind and weird and interesting and maybe love is real. I’ve been a little emotionally reckless lately. Which is dumb. I’m not an emotionally reckless type. I bottle up all of my feelings and then act spiteful and also take advantage of other people’s kindnesses. But lately I send late night text messages to people I shouldn’t speak to and put myself out there in a negative way. These Canadians though. They were the types of people that make you feel good. We all oughta be better. Talk to each other like real people.

Chris Pratt Interrupts Interview To French Braid Intern’s Hair

is this some kind of joke

(via lethifolds)


This is 12 minutes longer than you want it to be and most of it is about milk.


I laughed aggressively loud at this picture. I cackled.

(via isacontra)

I have an irrational and inconvenient fear of bugs that might actually get worse as I get older. Our apartment has been pretty okay, with an occasional small spider or fruit fly, which was a nice little thought I had as I went up the stairs tonight after returning from a show.

I was trying to order a pizza for myself online when I kicked over a shoe and a centipede came crawling out and went under my bed. My roommate and I took five minutes to capture it and then threw it off our balcony. I finished ordering my pizza and was laughing at stupid tweets when another one ran out from under my bed. I screamed so loud and kicked everything I knew how to kick. Where am I going to sleep tonight? Great question.

I’ve been joking (and also not joking) that my dream date is going to the grocery store and having another person to talk to and shop with while I buy food to sustain myself. I will up this slightly in future reference to say that if you want to pick me up at a bar and bring me back to your place of living to sleep with me, all you have to tell me is that there are no centipedes if your apartment. I don’t care who the fuck you are or what you have done. If you have not seen a centipede in your living space, I probably want to be there.



Kristen Stewart in ‘Just One Of The Guys’ by Jenny Lewis (x)

At roughly 2:35, Kristen Stewart waggles her eyebrows in suggestive delight at the viewer, then beckons to herself as if to say “Me? You? You? Me? Is this happening? Let’s make this happen.” Kristen Stewart contains more drollery in the crook of her little finger than you have in your entire miserable carcass.

I’ve seen four out of five of the Twilight movies and haven’t thought twice about Kristen Stewart until I saw this video and now she’s ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT???

(via sierramarinara)

Life is goofy so I bleached my ends.

Life is goofy so I bleached my ends.

Breakfast with my mom

"Besides Childish Gambino, who I know is Donald Glover, who is playing at Lollapalooza this year?"

"Oh god, I don’t know. Eminem. Red Hot Chili Peppers, maybe."

"Oh right."


"Oh, good for her."

"Iggy Azalea."

"I don’t know her."

"You haven’t heard Fancy?"

"No, I don’t think so. I know her, though. I know she’s tall and blonde and raps but isn’t Kesha."

"Yeah, she’s fine."

"Who else?"

"Um, oh, Skrillex."


"He’s a headliner, I think."

"Wow, good for him."

"I mean, he’s always doing—"

"That is so good. Skrillex is doing well. That’s wonderful."


“Skrillex as a headliner. That’s great.”